TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
  • 01. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
  • 02. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
  • 03. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
  • 04. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
  • 05. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
  • 06. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
  • 07. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
  • 08. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
  • 09. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
  • 10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
  • 11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
  • 12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
  • 13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
  • 14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
  • 15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
  • 16. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
  • 17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
  • 18. Procrastinate Now!
  • 19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
  • 20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
  • 21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
  • 22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
  • 23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
  • 24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
  • 25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
  • 26. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
  • 27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
  • 28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
  • 29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.